I wrote this for my Intro to Creative Writing class last month as my first writing project. I thought it would be fun to set up a story like this from three different viewpoints. I've never actually played with comedic writing this much and I didn't think my story was all that humorous until some classmates read it and told me so and then my instructor sent me an email about how he was laughing aloud in his office while reading it. That was cool.
I hope you find it enjoyable, as well. Oh, and if you can find the Avett Brothers lyric I slipped in (I know, I know, but it was "because [I] had to"), well, that's pretty cool too.
Thank you so much for reading!! :)
I hope you find it enjoyable, as well. Oh, and if you can find the Avett Brothers lyric I slipped in (I know, I know, but it was "because [I] had to"), well, that's pretty cool too.
Thank you so much for reading!! :)
"I do."
Part i: Derek
Monsters are real. And they look like Tanya in her puffy cream dress walking down the aisle with all eyes on her. She must have picked cream because a purely white dress wouldn’t fit with her purely evil personality. It was over two years ago that we were engaged to be married, and now here I sit, witnessing her marriage to Brian. Brian who can’t hold a steady job due to his propensity to challenge authority. Brian who once thanked me for hooking him and Tanya up—which I never did, obviously. Brian who I can’t stand. Of course, it wasn’t Brian who left me for a meathead, but Tanya. She also invited me to their wedding to rub it in my face, I imagine. I’m really only here for the free food and a chance to crash the party, but maybe I’ll find out why my name was on that invitation in the process and it'll be all wins for me.
My seat is on the fourth row, right behind Tanya’s two massive uncles, who hated me even more than her dad did, by the way. How convenient, in case I try to crowd surf or not forever hold my peace or something. After a few minutes of boredom waiting for the worst event of my life to begin, I tap both of them on the shoulder.
“Hey fam, how’s it goin’?”
Uncle #1 turns his head ever so slightly and whispers, “Watch yourself, buddy. One false move and you’re out of here. If you even breathe one breath towards Tanya, you’ll regret it.” Uncle #2, who looks almost exactly like Uncle #1 with his dark square haircut and thick neck, nods in agreement.
“Cool, I’m glad to see you guys, too. Haven’t been up to much, either, except, oh you know, just trying to live life and crash all my exes’s weddings. Nothing special.”
Uncle #1 adds, “And don’t ever refer to us as ‘fam’ again.”
“Riiight.”
The ceremony is exactly what I expected—lame, lame, and LAME. As I sit here, still trying to figure out why the heck I’m in this stained-glass nightmare, Tanya’s dad stops his speech mid-sentence, locking his eyes on me. It’s clear he didn’t know I was coming. Well, at least I know Good Ol’ Daddio’s happy to see his ex-almost-son-in-law. And at least he bothered to make eye contact with me. All Tanya and Brian have been able to do this whole time is stare into each other’s buttery eyes, which began to melt each time a slight sniffle was heard amongst the crowd. How sweet that everyone here approves of this beautiful and holy matrimony. Oh right—except for me. Does anybody here even know Brian? I mean, come on, he is the poster boy (yes, “boy”) for having your shoes on the wrong feet.
As soon as Tanya and Brian lock lips, I bolt out of the sanctuary unnoticed. I drank a whole liter of Coke on the way here. I knew I was going to need the caffeine to keep me awake, however, I still almost fell asleep in the middle of the ceremony. Tanya’s dad has that effect on people. Or maybe it’s just me. Some have said yawning is my first language.
After my bathroom break and a lovely chat with the all-hating dad himself, I make my way through the sea of non-familiar family members and friends of Tanya and Brian to the back room of the church where the reception is being held. It’s here where I’ll get to have my own grand entrance, similar to Tanya’s except I refuse to touch her dad’s arm, or wear an expensive, yet cheaply-made wedding gown, or the color cream in general, for that matter. Clearing my throat, I waltz right over to the bride and groom table, my eyes on Tanya as she whispers something to Brian and he giggles. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Meathead Brian is a giggler.
“Well, congratulations.”
Tanya looks up, definitely surprised to see me. “Wh-what are you doing here, Derek??”
“LOL, Tanya, I’m wondering that myself. So tell me, why'd you decide to invite me to this whimsically painful extravaganza?”
“Whoa, man, slow down,” Brian says, trying to insert himself into the strictly two-person conversation. He must have never heard the word ‘whimsical’ before. Tanya tells him that it’s okay and to go find her mother and looks back up at me.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t invite you!”
“Okay so first you lie about loving me and caring about me all those months ago and now you’re lying about this. That’s pretty rich.”
“No! I do lov—I mean I do care about you, Derek. Just…not in the ways you thought. I’m not lying when I tell you I have no idea what you’re talking about. You were never on the guest list I made.”
“Then why did I get an invitation from you in the mail?”
“What—“ Before Tanya can finish, Brian comes back with her mom, who looks oddly happy to see me.
“Derek, honey, you were able to make it! Thank you for coming.” Tanya looks at her mom in shock and we both realize at the same time that it must have been her mother who sent the invite to me. Brian stands awkwardly, like a cowboy at a fancy wine tasting, and excuses himself to the dance floor. Typical.
Tanya’s mom explains everything.
My seat is on the fourth row, right behind Tanya’s two massive uncles, who hated me even more than her dad did, by the way. How convenient, in case I try to crowd surf or not forever hold my peace or something. After a few minutes of boredom waiting for the worst event of my life to begin, I tap both of them on the shoulder.
“Hey fam, how’s it goin’?”
Uncle #1 turns his head ever so slightly and whispers, “Watch yourself, buddy. One false move and you’re out of here. If you even breathe one breath towards Tanya, you’ll regret it.” Uncle #2, who looks almost exactly like Uncle #1 with his dark square haircut and thick neck, nods in agreement.
“Cool, I’m glad to see you guys, too. Haven’t been up to much, either, except, oh you know, just trying to live life and crash all my exes’s weddings. Nothing special.”
Uncle #1 adds, “And don’t ever refer to us as ‘fam’ again.”
“Riiight.”
The ceremony is exactly what I expected—lame, lame, and LAME. As I sit here, still trying to figure out why the heck I’m in this stained-glass nightmare, Tanya’s dad stops his speech mid-sentence, locking his eyes on me. It’s clear he didn’t know I was coming. Well, at least I know Good Ol’ Daddio’s happy to see his ex-almost-son-in-law. And at least he bothered to make eye contact with me. All Tanya and Brian have been able to do this whole time is stare into each other’s buttery eyes, which began to melt each time a slight sniffle was heard amongst the crowd. How sweet that everyone here approves of this beautiful and holy matrimony. Oh right—except for me. Does anybody here even know Brian? I mean, come on, he is the poster boy (yes, “boy”) for having your shoes on the wrong feet.
As soon as Tanya and Brian lock lips, I bolt out of the sanctuary unnoticed. I drank a whole liter of Coke on the way here. I knew I was going to need the caffeine to keep me awake, however, I still almost fell asleep in the middle of the ceremony. Tanya’s dad has that effect on people. Or maybe it’s just me. Some have said yawning is my first language.
After my bathroom break and a lovely chat with the all-hating dad himself, I make my way through the sea of non-familiar family members and friends of Tanya and Brian to the back room of the church where the reception is being held. It’s here where I’ll get to have my own grand entrance, similar to Tanya’s except I refuse to touch her dad’s arm, or wear an expensive, yet cheaply-made wedding gown, or the color cream in general, for that matter. Clearing my throat, I waltz right over to the bride and groom table, my eyes on Tanya as she whispers something to Brian and he giggles. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Meathead Brian is a giggler.
“Well, congratulations.”
Tanya looks up, definitely surprised to see me. “Wh-what are you doing here, Derek??”
“LOL, Tanya, I’m wondering that myself. So tell me, why'd you decide to invite me to this whimsically painful extravaganza?”
“Whoa, man, slow down,” Brian says, trying to insert himself into the strictly two-person conversation. He must have never heard the word ‘whimsical’ before. Tanya tells him that it’s okay and to go find her mother and looks back up at me.
“What are you talking about? I didn’t invite you!”
“Okay so first you lie about loving me and caring about me all those months ago and now you’re lying about this. That’s pretty rich.”
“No! I do lov—I mean I do care about you, Derek. Just…not in the ways you thought. I’m not lying when I tell you I have no idea what you’re talking about. You were never on the guest list I made.”
“Then why did I get an invitation from you in the mail?”
“What—“ Before Tanya can finish, Brian comes back with her mom, who looks oddly happy to see me.
“Derek, honey, you were able to make it! Thank you for coming.” Tanya looks at her mom in shock and we both realize at the same time that it must have been her mother who sent the invite to me. Brian stands awkwardly, like a cowboy at a fancy wine tasting, and excuses himself to the dance floor. Typical.
Tanya’s mom explains everything.
Part ii: Daddy Dearest
This has to be well over my 60th ceremony, at least. But it’s the first that will alter my life. I not only get to walk my daughter down the aisle, but I also have the honor of marrying her and my soon-to-be son-in-law—or really my second son—Brian. It was on a Thursday when he asked for my blessing. That other nimrod, Derek, never did ask for my blessing but asked Tanya to marry him anyway. He liked to go against tradition, she said. I realize now that things have worked out for the better. Tanya is happier than I have ever seen her, and Brian is the most caring invested man she could ever marry. He may have dropped out of college, but at least he still has ambitions. Derek never had any, even after graduating with a Bachelor’s in Cultural Anthropology.
As we reach the front of the sanctuary, Tanya kisses me on the cheek and releases her hand from my arm to hold Brian’s hands. I motion for the crowd to be seated and begin the ceremony.
“As you all know, today is quite a special day. Not just for Tanya, but for me, as well. My eldest child and only girl is getting married, and you’ll see soon enough from the wrinkles on my forehead that I’m taking it pretty well.”
The crowd laughs and I continue with the repeat-after-me vows. Tanya and Brian lovingly exchange “I do’s” and rings, but at the end of the ceremony, I notice someone among the guests on the fourth row of pews.
“I now pronounce you—“
It’s Derek. Peering directly between my two younger brothers in front of him. I was completely unaware that he was even on the guest list. Just the thought of anything close to this moment would have never crossed my mind. After Tanya broke off the engagement, I was certain she’d told me that we’d never have to see him or worry about him again. I guess I was mistaken.
“…Daddy? Is everything alright?”
“Oh, um, of course, darling. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Son, you may kiss your bride!”
As soon as the wedding party and guests have exited the sanctuary, I head towards the men’s room. When I reach the swinging door, out walks Derek, with a smug expression.
“Hey, Mr. Almost-Dad, fancy seeing you here. What a marvelous occasion it is to run into you,” he says to me, not even trying to hide his sarcastic smile.
“Derek. I wasn’t aware that you had been invited.”
“And I wasn’t aware people actually laughed at your terrible jokes. You know I sure didn’t. Anyway, I got the invite in the mail a while back, thought it was a mistake, but then thought, ‘Heck, why not?’. It was a lovely ceremony, by the way. I mean, unless you factor in how it was really supposed to be me up there holding Tanya’s hands, right?”
Feeling sick, I reply with a simple, “No. Tanya chose Brian, you’re supposed to be out of the picture, end of story,” I push open the door and splash cold water onto my red-hot face and neck. When I turn the faucet off, I hear Derek’s muffled voice through the door.
“See you at the reception. Hope the Mrs. is doing swell these days.”
That’s when it hits me. My wife must have invited Derek. Why on Earth?
As we reach the front of the sanctuary, Tanya kisses me on the cheek and releases her hand from my arm to hold Brian’s hands. I motion for the crowd to be seated and begin the ceremony.
“As you all know, today is quite a special day. Not just for Tanya, but for me, as well. My eldest child and only girl is getting married, and you’ll see soon enough from the wrinkles on my forehead that I’m taking it pretty well.”
The crowd laughs and I continue with the repeat-after-me vows. Tanya and Brian lovingly exchange “I do’s” and rings, but at the end of the ceremony, I notice someone among the guests on the fourth row of pews.
“I now pronounce you—“
It’s Derek. Peering directly between my two younger brothers in front of him. I was completely unaware that he was even on the guest list. Just the thought of anything close to this moment would have never crossed my mind. After Tanya broke off the engagement, I was certain she’d told me that we’d never have to see him or worry about him again. I guess I was mistaken.
“…Daddy? Is everything alright?”
“Oh, um, of course, darling. I now pronounce you husband and wife. Son, you may kiss your bride!”
As soon as the wedding party and guests have exited the sanctuary, I head towards the men’s room. When I reach the swinging door, out walks Derek, with a smug expression.
“Hey, Mr. Almost-Dad, fancy seeing you here. What a marvelous occasion it is to run into you,” he says to me, not even trying to hide his sarcastic smile.
“Derek. I wasn’t aware that you had been invited.”
“And I wasn’t aware people actually laughed at your terrible jokes. You know I sure didn’t. Anyway, I got the invite in the mail a while back, thought it was a mistake, but then thought, ‘Heck, why not?’. It was a lovely ceremony, by the way. I mean, unless you factor in how it was really supposed to be me up there holding Tanya’s hands, right?”
Feeling sick, I reply with a simple, “No. Tanya chose Brian, you’re supposed to be out of the picture, end of story,” I push open the door and splash cold water onto my red-hot face and neck. When I turn the faucet off, I hear Derek’s muffled voice through the door.
“See you at the reception. Hope the Mrs. is doing swell these days.”
That’s when it hits me. My wife must have invited Derek. Why on Earth?
part iii: mother
I think I may have done something terrible. The only thing I’ve been able to think about for the past three months is the fact that I invited my daughter’s ex fiancé to her wedding without her or her father’s knowledge. As her mother, of course, I’m supposed to have her best interests at heart, and I know I do. I’m supposed to look out for her and make sure she’s making the best decisions for herself.
Tanya is certainly stunning in her gown and Brian sure looks nice, too, but I can only picture Derek up there, repeating the sacred vows. They had the most wonderful relationship for five years, when all of a sudden, Tanya decided that she didn’t have as many things in common with Derek as she wanted. She didn’t think they could make each other happy anymore. She met Brian over a year and a half ago in one of her college classes and he really is a sweet boy, but Derek is her high school sweetheart. That kind of thing is just meant to be left how it is—perfect. Tanya’s father and I are high school sweethearts, and that’s what I want for her, as well.
Sure, Derek could be quite sarcastic and cynical at times, but that’s what made the relationship work so well. Tanya’s optimism and unconditional sweetness balanced it all out. Deep down, Derek truly cared about Tanya, and I always saw through his rough exterior, even when her father never could.
After the beautiful service, I’m pulled away from my table at the reception by Brian, who leads me to Tanya and Derek. I thank Derek for coming and then I am finally forced to explain myself.
“Honey, I invited Derek here today because I wanted you to see that he still cares for you. After all this time, after all his heartbreak, he still came here today. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“Mom, I just got married not even an hour ago to the man I love and who loves me. What are you trying to say?”
“Brian doesn’t love you like Derek loves you, honey, and I think you know that in your heart.” Oh dear, now I know I’m in trouble.
“Mom! I—Derek, why did you come? You could have stayed home. Why would you want to be reminded of the end of our relationship?”
Derek immediately answers, “Just for kicks. I enjoy the pain, I guess,” laughs, and then adds, “Actually, I did want to see you, even if it is for the last time, you know?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then don’t say anything. Go back to your little fairytale ending with Brian, the guy who gets his windshield wipers mixed up with his turn signals. The guy who would rather do the chicken dance with his idiot groomsmen right now than see if you’re doing okay. Look at me for the last time and tell me that I’m not the world’s most eligible bachelor. No, but seriously, I—“
“What? Just get to the point, Derek.”
“I love you still. And I always will.”
“You do?”
“I do.”
Tanya is certainly stunning in her gown and Brian sure looks nice, too, but I can only picture Derek up there, repeating the sacred vows. They had the most wonderful relationship for five years, when all of a sudden, Tanya decided that she didn’t have as many things in common with Derek as she wanted. She didn’t think they could make each other happy anymore. She met Brian over a year and a half ago in one of her college classes and he really is a sweet boy, but Derek is her high school sweetheart. That kind of thing is just meant to be left how it is—perfect. Tanya’s father and I are high school sweethearts, and that’s what I want for her, as well.
Sure, Derek could be quite sarcastic and cynical at times, but that’s what made the relationship work so well. Tanya’s optimism and unconditional sweetness balanced it all out. Deep down, Derek truly cared about Tanya, and I always saw through his rough exterior, even when her father never could.
After the beautiful service, I’m pulled away from my table at the reception by Brian, who leads me to Tanya and Derek. I thank Derek for coming and then I am finally forced to explain myself.
“Honey, I invited Derek here today because I wanted you to see that he still cares for you. After all this time, after all his heartbreak, he still came here today. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“Mom, I just got married not even an hour ago to the man I love and who loves me. What are you trying to say?”
“Brian doesn’t love you like Derek loves you, honey, and I think you know that in your heart.” Oh dear, now I know I’m in trouble.
“Mom! I—Derek, why did you come? You could have stayed home. Why would you want to be reminded of the end of our relationship?”
Derek immediately answers, “Just for kicks. I enjoy the pain, I guess,” laughs, and then adds, “Actually, I did want to see you, even if it is for the last time, you know?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then don’t say anything. Go back to your little fairytale ending with Brian, the guy who gets his windshield wipers mixed up with his turn signals. The guy who would rather do the chicken dance with his idiot groomsmen right now than see if you’re doing okay. Look at me for the last time and tell me that I’m not the world’s most eligible bachelor. No, but seriously, I—“
“What? Just get to the point, Derek.”
“I love you still. And I always will.”
“You do?”
“I do.”